Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
