I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
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