I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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