just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I'm sobbing to NWA
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
