If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
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