Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
