I wannas sexs uuuuu
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
