we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
