Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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