We got so high we made milksteak
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
