I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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