Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
We had sex on a dog bed..
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Randomize
