he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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