i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
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