i just wanna soil my oats bro
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
