I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
