I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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