When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
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I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
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This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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