did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
