Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.