I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
25 People Confess The Most Ignorant Thing Someone Has Ever Said To Them
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.