i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
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I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
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his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.