What a fucking waste of an outfit
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle