I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
