The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
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