Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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