If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Banned from zoo.
Again?
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
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What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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