Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
