He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
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We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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