He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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