these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
