Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
