I'd wear matching sweaters with you
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Randomize
