Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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