see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Randomize
