Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
