well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
