Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
