I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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