Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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