im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
