i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
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other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
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You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
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