You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
