Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
