party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
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