Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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