Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
