i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
