I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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