Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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