4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
What did we do last night that was yellow?
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
