I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Randomize
