I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
