So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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