His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
