Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
